u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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