I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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