First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Randomize
