proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
this boner is exhausting
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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