Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I enjoy the company of your penis
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
