if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
