Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
