Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize