I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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