dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
