wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
