I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
