i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
