Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize