you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize
