Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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