So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
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