I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
