I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
