If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
MIDGETS
????
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
