I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize