Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
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I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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