I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
