i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
