sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Randomize
