Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
