White coat. Heels.
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
