Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Randomize
