Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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