dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
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