he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
