Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
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