hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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