Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
