Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
