got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Randomize
