Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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