he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Randomize
