Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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