I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
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