Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I touched a dick in church today
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
