bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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