Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
