i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
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