i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
