Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
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