There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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