So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Randomize
