Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Randomize
