He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Randomize
