On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
My liver just broke up with me...
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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