I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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