you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Im part way to drunk.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize
