The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
