she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize
