You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
