I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
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