I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
