The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
