By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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