My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
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